Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
