My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The beers last night were like the tears from god
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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