The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
