Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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