there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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