fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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