I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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