I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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