vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
