so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
