i would punch a child for taco bell
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
