What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
