i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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