I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
