LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
