It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
