Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Say something about gay babies.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
