she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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