I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
