he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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