Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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