She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
