Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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