i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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