Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
