I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
