I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
