I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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