1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
3pm strippers are depressing
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Randomize
