Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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