Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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