I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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