Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
