We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
