I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
