I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
