At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
