Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I think I died a long time ago.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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