i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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