The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
