eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
