Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
