I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
