Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
