I just saw a hot homeless man
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I need to sanitize my soul.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
