tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
