just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
