Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
