I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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