i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
