he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
